We just got back from a two week family vacation in southern Saskatchewan visiting doting grandparents, loving aunts, silly uncles and curious cousins. We also got our rock on at the 12th annual Gateway Festival in my husband’s home town and once again, the organizers put on an amazing show under the beautiful prairie sky. I was going to write all about how lucky my kids are to see a farm first-hand and how fortunate we are to be able to teach them about where our food comes from. I was going to grumble about how vacations are not truly vacations for the dominant parent and about how much work it is to be away from home. Mainly I was going to use our vacation as the reason I haven’t written lately but that would be a lie.
The truth of the matter is that I haven’t felt much like writing lately. I haven’t felt inspired or creative or funny these past weeks. I’ve been feeling down-right mopey. I’m not writing this because I want an outpouring of comfort or reassurance. I’m not looking for hugs and kind words. I’m writing this tonight because if I don’t I may never write again.
I’ve been dealing with some pretty big emotions lately. Jealousy. Loneliness. Self-doubt. Some deep shit. And when you’re a mom of two two-year olds, you don’t always have the time to sit in reflection and work through it all. To make matters worse, I’ve been really tired lately. And not I-have-twins tired. More like I-don’t-have-any-interest-in-anything-anymore tired. So instead of putting my kids to bed at 7pm and using that time to meditate and dream and analyze, I follow their lead. Not because I need the zzz’s but because I just don’t want to deal with anything else at the end of each day. I have spent the last 12 hours helping my little humans work through their (similar) big emotions. I just don’t have the energy to address mine.
So that begs the question; where do I fit in? I know I’m killing it as a mom of multiples. I’ve been at this full-time (plus overtime) for the past couple years. I got this. What I’m not nailing is being a wife or friend or, most importantly, me. I gave up a lot of those things to be a stay-at-home-mom; partly by choice but mostly due to the economics and logistics of putting two kids in daycare. Now that my kids are slightly more independant and I’m starting to get a semblance of my life back, I’m not sure where to begin. I look around and see so many other moms who are happy and loving wives, adventurous and available friends, successful entrepreneurs and creative bloggers. And all I can think is, “how the fuck are you guys doing that?” Seriously! Please, share your secrets with me. I’m dying over here. I’m trapped in the mom-zone and I don’t know how to get out.
I want to be a part of that community. The community of creative moms who are following their passion and living a balanced, complete life. I admire these moms and covet the lives they have created for themselves. I want to breath in their vitality and soak up their zest. I want to feel alive and inspired and whole again. I want to be more that just a one piece puzzle. I want to stop playing Candy Crush and just start crushing it! So lay it on me, successful, balanced moms. How do I bridge that gap? What is the first step to adding vigor and sparkle back into motherhood without feeling like you’re neglecting your children? How do you have the best of both worlds? How can I teach my children the importance of self-care and enthusiasm while still making them a priority?Tags: creativity, emotions, Gateway Festival, inspiration, jealousy, Parenthood, Saskatchewan, stay at home mom, twins